2-05-06
Jon Sobolewski
Sobeball.com
From the archives...
Maybe it’s the T.O. saturation or that Bill Cowher is completely disinterested, but the NFL has me bored enough that I am jonesing NBA hoops. The other variable in this equation might simply be that “NBA basketball is fantastic!” No, seriously. Ever since they started preventing rape on the perimeter, quick guards are actually able to play the game without getting rufies slipped in their drinks. The NBA is entering its second rufie free season in a row (ok, on the court) while ESPN is covering T.O.’s bowel movements on an hourly basis. Alright kids, “Who wants mickey-free basketball instead of T.O. stool samples?” People, young and old, are clamoring for D-Wade, Black Mamba, Bron-Bron, and Adam van pornstache (I’m trying to get him a nickname). The nation has NBA fever (previously an undiagnosed STD among NBA groupies), except my friend Ollie (a Cowboys fan) who is hoping ESPN will release pictures of Terrel-pooh.
Because I’m infected with NBA fever (alright if you had to get infected with the STD version of NBA fever, who would you want to catch it from? I’m picking Mike Dunleavy; he'd be a gentle lover) I watched the free NBA package last night, plus the opening night games and I already know exactly what will happen in the NBA in the “cero seis-cero siete” season.
The EAST: Our country is so much cooler in the East (except Chicago and Denver).
15. Atlanta Hawks: I will never understand why Marvin Williams got the hype in the 2005 draft. I’m trying to think of things he isn’t/wasn’t more overrated than and all I can come up with is Paris Hilton, Lost in Translation, Coors Light, the Cowboys-Redskins “rivalry,” and topless-only strip clubs. Does that give you an idea of what I feel in the cockles of my heart about Marvin Williams? Why specifically? He is merely an above-average athlete and has no outstanding skill. Everybody says this correctly, but they could have had Chris Paul instead of Williams, but I will add Deron Williams and Raymond Felton. Ugh.
14. Charlotte Bobcats: Please, please, please open your pocketbooks Bob Johnson. Johnson is tighter than ________________ (I’ll let you fill in the blank with any girl who ever rejected you before). Although, the Bobcats may be as tight as ________________ they have so much potential with Raymond Felton, Adam Morrison, Sean May, and Emeka Okafor. However, those guys come with huge question marks: can Okafor stay healthy, is Morrison athletic enough, and can May prevent becoming morbidly obese?
13. Philadelphia 76ers: “Wow dude, you got AI and C-Webb on the same squad?” “Yeah man the NBA Live GM’s are so dumb.” Fast forward five years. “Ahh dude, you got AI and C-Webb.” “Yeah dude I can’t even dump them off to the Hawks and all their cap room on NBA 2K7.” (editor’s note, Philly is looking sharp)
12. Toronto Raptors: It is fitting that the only foreign city in the NBA is trying to become a European style team. By picking up Andrea Bargani, Jorge Garbajosa, Rasho Nesterovic, Jose Calderon, and Anthony Parker (an American who dominated in Europe), Chris Bosh might as well switch his name to Cristoff Boshalauskaus.
11. New York Knicks: The Knicks will win 10 more games than last year. If they were a fantasy team, they would be incredible, plus they are easy to rebuild as a GM on video games.
10. Boston Celtics: You can pencil in Rajon Rondo into the starting lineup in about one month as Bassy will never come remotely close to living up to the hype machine. Can you believe he was an SI cover boy as a high schooler? Bassy’s SI cover is the equivalent to Chelsea Clinton being on the cover of Playboy in 1997. I also thought about Raven Simone as an option here after seeing her as an adorable kid on the Cosby Show, then pushing 240 now on Disney’s “That So Raven.” Oh, kiss my ass, you know what I’m talking about. Speaking of young kids, will any of the C’s youngins step up? Proabably not.
9. Indiana Pacers-Was Ron-Ron really the problem in Indiana? I think Steven Jackson is just as crazy, maybe moreso, at least Artest never got in trouble off the court. When I’m upset, I normally think to shoot my gun up in the air also. Is it any wonder why the Spurs let Jackson go so readily? Here is one more piece of advice to the Pacers: keep Sarunas Jasickevicious on the court as much as possible. He is tough as nails, shoots the lights out, and is a smarter player than 99% of the league.
This brings me to an important debate; which brawl was worse: The Pistons-Pacers brawl or the Miami-FIU brawl? FIU-Miami scores well for sheer magnitude, underwhelming suspensions, more violent weaponry (helmets, cleats, and crutches), Lamar Thomas not comprehending how wrong the incident actually was (even days after), and because it was freakin’ FIU, not FSU or hell, USF. The strengths of the Pistons-Pacers brawl included it spilling into the stands, Ron Artest, Jermaine O’Neal punching Turtle from Entourage’s twin brother, our first glimpse of Steven Jackson entering the mouth of madness, and oh yeah, Ron Artest. So here’s the tale of the tape (all judged on entertainment value):
|
Criteria |
Pacers-Pistons |
EDGE |
FIU-Miami |
|
# of Fighters |
10-20 players & fans |
Miami |
50-plus players |
|
Best Blow |
O’Neal on Turtle’s twin |
Pacers |
Reddic stomp |
Suspensions |
Stern overboard |
Miami |
Scary Duke game |
Fighting Area |
Stands, tunnel, Windsor |
Pacers |
Field |
Commentary |
Appropriately Appalled |
Miami |
“Don’t come to the O.B.” |
Instigator |
Ben Wallace |
Pacers |
Backup James Bryant |
Superstar Brawler |
Ron Artest |
Pacers |
Antonio Reddic |
Insanity Level |
Gary Busey |
Push |
Nick Nolte |
8. Milwaukee Bucks-The Bucks will make the playoffs behind Michael Redd's emergence as a superstar. The Bucks stole Charlie Villanueva from the Raptors, but why on earth did they just give Jamaal Magloire away? They only got four frozen hot dogs, a package of redvines, a six-pack of Keystone Light, and a half-smoked Marlboro for one of the few serviceable centers in the league. That actually sounds like the perfect night for my friend Derek, but substitute eight hot dogs, no buns, and keep saying “that’s a lot of wiener.”
7. Washington Wizards: The Wizards might be good if they could guard somebody, anybody.
6. Detroit Pistons: The Pistons will swoon as they will struggle to find an identity. Of course, when I mean struggle, they will probably finish 4th or 5th in the East. As long as I am being Captain Obvious, ok, Tim McCarver, don't think Ben didn't keep Sheed in check because Sheed will set the all-time record for techs in one season with the new take no gruff rules.
Whoa, there goes another undefended halfcourt layup against the Wizards.
5. Miami Heat: The old heads on South Beach think they will be able to turn it on come April/May, but they will be too old and players like Antoine Walker, Jason Williams, and Gary Payton won't suck it up and become team players again. It may work some nights, but in a seven game series that is like expecting Guns N Roses to get back together again for a 28 city tour.
4. Orlando Magic: Orlando could actually beat the Heat out and win their division. Dwight Howard is a top ten player in the league now and will forever be known as D-12 since Proof was shot and killed. Hey Joe Dumars, you actually made passing on D-Wade, Melo, and Boshalauskaus worse, because Darko is legit and you dumped him to clear cap room for Nazr Mohammed. That was a move as pretty as Jim Leyland’s lungs. By the way, Jameer Nelson was a draft-night steal, they have tons of shooting (which is the direction the league is heading), and Grant Hill is so healthy that his teammates look to him in crunch time.
-How sick is the Central Division? All 5 teams are playoff good and the Pistons, Bulls, and Cavs would not be shocking Finals participants.
3. New Jersey Nets: Vince Carter is in a contract year. Nuff said. He works harder in a contract year for his money than a strung out Atlantic City crack whore does for smack. Wow is that an unnecessary and inappropriate image. I’ll give you guys a moment to make yourselves vomit. Go ahead pull the trigger like a hot coed on her 21st after 13 shots, who can barely keep the straps of her top from falling off and keeps forgetting she is wearing a skirt that doesn’t cover anything even when she is wearing it properly, so this time it's something really cool that you don't even know about. Great Zeus’s beard, what a paragraph!
1.2. -Bulls vs. Cavs Eastern Conference Finals. Mark it down. People keep saying the Bulls can't score, but who can score on them every game in a 7-game series? Plus, Hinrich and Gordon can score. Deng and Nocioni can score. If only they had one inside scorer and I would pencil them into the NBA Finals in a heartbeat. Seriously though, they have some good outside shooters, it can work there. Extending Kirk Hinrich was one of the best moves of the offseason. To understand how good Kirk actually is, Hinrich and an NBA ref are the only two people alive who can contain D-Wade.
The Cavs? Bron-Bron is the best player in the East, not D-Wade. Don’t get me wrong, I love D-Wade’s game, but unless he gets the same officiating like last year and Shaq stars with Danny Devito in Renaissance Man II, Bron-Bron will be the man of the hour and East MVP. There is just nobody physically like him in the league, now, never before, and maybe ever. That being said, he is kind of soft, and he still can't shoot. However, does it matter? With the new rules, you can't stop him from getting to the hoop. Bron-Bron is the graceful train steaming down the lane. Ewwww, that was pretty.
Speaking of top players in the league, let me way in now on my top 10.
10a. D-12
10b. Jesus Shuttlesworth
10c. Chris Paul
9. T-Mac
8. AI (Did you notice how big the chip is on his shoulder this year?)
7. KG
6. Dirk Diggler
5. Nash, Ay
4. D-Wade
3. Bron-Bron
2. Duncan
1. Kobe
15. Memphis Grizzlies: Could you imagine if Pau Gasol was playing in international competition at all times? He’s the most inspiring Spaniard since Don Quixote, but while he is out Sancho Panza is going to have to carry the load. Who’s Sancho Panza? North Dakota’s finest: Mike Miller. Have you seen Mike Miller’s hair lately? He looks like the moderately attractive girl who is on the cusp of being good looking and gives it a shot with a wild haircut that is on the trendy side, but it just doesn’t work. So she goes around for the next month constantly second-guessing her decision, other girls keep telling her that it looks nice even though her hair looks like a dog’s that has been drying for a half-hour after jumping into one of those disgusting rivers that Bam would make Ryan Dunn take a huffy into on Jackass, while guys keep saying, “She just went from a solid pro to a diminishing double-A prospect with one move.”
14. Portland Trailblazers: The Trail-not Jail-Blazers have a future. They need to get rid of either D-Miles or Zach-Baby Gorilla-Randolph and they will be just fine. You can always have one jackass/donkey on your team, but what happens once you have two? They breed. Get rid of one and they will be fine. I would flat out cut Miles, Randolph still has loads of potential (editor’s note: Have you seen Randolph dominating people this year?), while Miles is just a total waste of so many things. It is probably because he is from St. Louis. What good has ever come from St. Louis?
13. Oklahoma City Sonics: Ray Allen is still the best shooter in the game. PLEASE GET HIM OUT OF SEATTLE. What a waste up there. No player in the NBA has a sweeter stroke and his disgustingly quick release should be making clutch shots from 25 feet in game seven of a conference finals, but instead he has to count on Mohammed Sear-Sene in the post.
12. Minnesota Timberwolves: KG will get the Wolves back to the playoffs. Check that, KG will do his damndest to get the Wolves back to the playoffs, but then he will look around, see the guys he is playing with and just get violent angry. I can just picture Garnett going crazy and stomping Eddie Griffin for telling him, “I only took 11 threes,” like Tommy DeVito on Billy Bats in Goodfellas.
11. Denver Nuggets: The Nuggets have needed a shooting guard or outside shooting for how many years now? So this offseason they addressed their needs for having five power forwards on the roster. I don’t find it very fitting that Kenyon Martin’s nickname is K-Mart? Blue light special products are entirely more durable than Martin, so from now on, his nickname will be $1-Store. Total shame, because I loved $1-store when he had that sick spring in his legs and that animal intensity, but instead his hops looks like Shawn Kemp’s when he tried to play at 300lbs because and his intensity is all directed towards George Karl. Hey Melo, have fun scoring 35 a game while Reggie Evans evolves to tossing salad.
10. Golden State Warriors: Golden State could be fun to watch, but they won’t win.
9. New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets: This will only take about 1-2 more years, but Chris Paul will be the best point guard in the league by a wide margin (I think about 10 of the remaining 20 Atlanta Hawks fans just killed themselves). There is nothing Paul can’t do outside of hitting threes consistently, but it doesn’t matter because he gets into the lane at will. Other than Steve Nash, he is the second best player in the league at making his teammates better.
8. Sacramento Kings: What has made Ron Artest such a highly combustible problem? It’s society, it’s the pressure put on athletes, it’s his upbringing, it’s the spotlight. “Oh, yes Mr. Rock.” “Whatever happened to crazy?” Plain and simple, Ron-Ron is completely crazy, but would I take him on my team? In a Pittsburgh minute. A Pittsburgh minute? It is a minute that you’re not sure how long it takes because you’re drunk from $1 Iron City’s at a local bar that is actually the first floor of a row house. Artest is the best on-ball defender in the league and can shut anybody down. ANYBODY. I still would not have suspended him for the entire season for the melee; isn’t it time that jackass, rich-guy, pansy fans get punished for doing something stupid that they feel they can get away with whatever they want. Plus, with Artest, it could have been a heavyweight UFC champ and he was still going after him. There is just something admirable in his fearlessness, except oh yeah, he’s crazy.
7. Los Angeles Lakers: If the Kobe-less-Lakers can keep it up with Kobe, they will be tough. Will they do that? Nope. Odom will lose confidence, shooters will be hesitant, and Andrew Bynum (who looks like he is going to be an absolute stud, I mean, c'mon, he is the youngest guy in the league) will not get the touches he deserves. Want to debate MJ-Kobe? Put Jordan on that team and do you still have doubts that the others won’t play up to their abilities? You would never see inconsistency from Lamar Odom if it was MJ instead of Kobe.
6. Utah Jazz: AK47, Booze, and Mehmet are one of the best front lines in the league and sound like the name of some Canadian’s dogs. Deron Williams is quickly becoming a rock soild, less chubby point guard. Although, can the Jazz please switch their nickname. When I think Utah, I think mormons, not Jazz. Utah Ostertags, Utah Mormons, Utah Big Love, Utah Turd Sandwiches. Anything.
5. Phoenix Suns: Amare will not take the Suns over the top because this isn't remotely close to the old Amare. He can't get off the floor, he used to try to block every shot in the hemisphere, but now he stands and watches. He stares at shots that the Old Amare would have blocked and just wonders, "Wow, two years ago, that would have been in the 14th row by now." And with the staring comes no battling for position. C'mon Amare, block somebody out. Steve Nash is still practically unstoppable. Who makes better decisions, is more deceptive, and can counter anything you throw at him more than Steve Nash? Is there any player in the league that makes his teammates as good as Nash does? It aboot Nash.
4. Los Angeles Clippers: I just can't see the Clippers getting over the top this year, not with how old their backcourt is. Then again, how old was Gollum in Lord of the Rings? Like 1,000? So maybe, just maybe Sam Cassell can do it.
3. Houston Rockets: The Rockets will be decimated by injuries. It really is a shame, they could be a good/very good team, a championship contender.
2. Dallas Mavericks: The Mavs might have missed their chance and I have my doubts about Avery Johnson after he got brutally outcoached in the Finals by Pat Riley. That being said, they still have Dirk and a rapidly developing Josh Howard. Although one thing scares me about the Mavs: Jason Terry. If he is on, they’re great. If he is off: they are dead, because he won’t quit shooting.
1. The Spurs will take the West. A motivated and healthy Tim Duncan is scary. Did you know Tony Parker is only 24? The only thing that scares me about the Spurs is the age of their bench and Tony Parker’s focus. How can anyone stay focused on basketball when your girlfriend is Eva Longoria. Its like asking a 15 year old boy to pay attention in math class while he is getting his first lap dance. Even with Eva around, the Spurs will take the NBA title, even though Ginobili is looking balder than ever.
So there you have it, I know you have NBA fever and it
doesn't even burn when you urinate. But remember NBA FEVER IS NOT FOR EVERYONE.
Tell your doctor about your medical conditions and all medications, and ask if
you're healthy enough for sexual activity. Don't get NBA FEVER if you take
nitrates, often prescribed for chest pain, as this may cause a sudden, unsafe
drop in blood pressure. Do drink alcohol in excess (to a level of intoxication)
with NBA FEVER, as this may increase your chances of enjoy your crappy team or
raising your blood pressure. NBA FEVER does not protect against sexually
transmitted diseases, including HIV. In the rare event of priapism (an erection
lasting more than four hours), seek immediate medical help to avoid long-term
injury.
Jon Sobolewski is the creator and editor of Sobeball.com and sometimes wonders if Sam Cassell actually looks more like E.T. than Gollum from Lord of the Rings.