2-05-06
Jon Sobolewski
Sobeball.com
From the archives...
Following the longest two weeks of my life in which every action I took revolved around reaching Sunday with as little effort and distraction as possible. I will be very lucky if the Steelers victory hangover nurses me through next week because following the debacle that was Pitt-Georgetown I’m not good company. For Steelers fans under 30, we have never enjoyed a Super Bowl win. I don’t care that you were three when the Steelers won their fourth title, you didn’t enjoy it, in fact you were probably sitting in your own feces because your parents were so drunk with joy and Iron that they hadn’t paid any attention to you in four hours and couldn’t hear you crying. Steelers Super Bowls are almost taken for granted by the old-timers, baby-boomers, and the 40-plus crowd; and when they reminisce in front of me, it is just not cool.
To all my peers and friends from Pittsburgh, we are in our fandom prime. In my books and the scientific fact books, there are two prime periods to be a fan:
1) before puberty: your heroes are sports figures, girls don’t distract you, and the blind loyalty and innocence of a young fan is one of God’s greatest creations.
2) Your 20’s: You should have realized girls are too much trouble, you don’t have many responsibilities, and sports still should rank very high in your priorities (like #1).
To Vince, Glum, $uper$ed, Derek Peterson, and every other hardcore Steelers fans under 30, it is okay to cry, win or lose with this one. To my brother Brad, I don’t care that you were born in 1977 and were alive for two Super Bowl wins, this could be your first to enjoy.
So let me begin my game log:
5:51: Tom Jackson “I don’t think people understand the dynamic of this stadium, its 90 percent Steelers fans.” Is this a sign of how amazing Steelers fans are or a dark sign of the future of Pittsburgh’s economy because too many people spent a quarter of their annual salary on a trip to Detroit and a few adult-themed events in the sin city of Canada, known as Windsor?
5:59: This is my third trip to the bathroom for what I call “cleansing the nerves/colon” Before a big game, it is as exact as gravity that I will head to my second office for two or three nerve cleansing sessions.
6:10: The Steelers come out onto the field to an instrumental that I don’t know the name for, but I’ve got chills. Hines Ward looks so ready it must be bone chilling for Seattle fans. If your bones aren’t chilled in Seattle, you have never watched any team outside of your Seabucks Starhawks or you are Canadian.
6:12: Aaron Neville’s national anthem is going to rank up there with Roseanne’s “interpretation” and Carl Lewis’ killing of a horse. Aretha Franklin isn’t too much better, but she isn’t making the players look around in bewilderment like Neville did. Please just sing the song, quit improvising and killing baby cows (I know a baby cow is a calf). Where is Mo Cheeks to help them?
6:16: Pizza Hut commercial with Jessica Simpson; I’m sorry, but I’m sick of her. The world isn’t safe without Nick Lachey babysitting her.
6:18: And so it begins: Iron #1
6:19: Seven minutes before kickoff and I can guarantee that Ike Taylor is thinking about gummi bears or Xbox 360.
6:23: Tom Brady is sporting velvet for the coin toss; nobody is that cool or that big a pimp. Nobody.
6:24: The Seahawks choose to receive, that makes me nervous, they have to be pretty confident in what they are going to do offensively.
6:26: Sammy is asleep, that’s phenomenal news. When Sammy, my two-year-old beagle sleeps through a Steeler game, Cowher’s boys are something like 29-6. Frankly, there are only two Steelers games that he hasn’t slept through since we got him:
1. Last year’s Ravens game when Tommy Maddox went down; even Sammy
wanted to be awake for Ben’s first snaps.
2. At Cincinnati this year when we slaughtered the Bungals for the first time in Pittsburgh Jr. The only reason he was awake is because his best friend, my old man, was in town and we went to the bar to watch the game so he waited up for him.
6:27: Scobey to the 18, that’s good news, special teams coverage normally kills us. Lindsay Lohan was attractive the last time we tackled someone inside the 20 on a kickoff.
6:28: Seattle throws a couple of short passes to pick us apart, Uh-oh. This makes me so nervous and reminds me of those ugly season openers against New England and Oakland in 2002. Were there ever two more crushing regular season defeats under Cowher? After those two games I knew we would never beat anybody good that season.
6:31: 3rd and 9 and a rather easy sack for Clark Haggans. Hey Sean Salisbury, who has the best offensive line in the NFL?
6:34: Diet Pepsi’s new slogan: “brown and bubbly,” that’s not so appealing. “Mud bogs, come get some!”
6:37: Two false starts in 3 plays; great, we are playing like some felines/female dogs. Cowher comes out pathetically feline with play calling. Willie Parker will not be the answer today, he has no moves and can’t break a tackle. He can’t use his speed if he can’t get past the line of scrimmage. (Editors note: I still think I am right here, I will call this a push)
6:45: 3rd and 16, How many picks can Ike Taylor drop this year? I bet he would have snagged a sack of gummi bears if it was flying at his hands.
6:54: Darrel Jackson gets another catch and it is quickly making me realize Ike Taylor is horrible tonight. Seattle could run eight-yard outs all night and slaughter us.
6:56: Big Break #1: Seattle’s Darrel Jackson gets called for offensive pass interference on an easy touchdown. Jackson would have easily caught it without the push off.
6:57: Cowher looks scared “ishless.”
7:05: End of the 1st quarter, the game is over. The Seahawks came more prepared to play and the Steelers are completely scared. We have checked in with three 3-and-outs on offense and the Seahawks have had several solid long sustained drives. All I can see now is horrible punting by Gardocki and a completely different team than the one that won three games on the road.
7:08: A stupid holding penalty on a good Peter Warrick punt return saves us in the field position battle. Remember Peter Warrick? Does anyone remember this guy at FSU? He was disgustingly good player #1b in the Sugar Bowl right behind Michael Vick’s #1a. He almost excited my friend Vince more than Charlie Ward and Tommie Frazier tied up in his basement.
7:15: We have first down.
7:17: First monkey commercial, hilarious, you can never go wrong with monkeys. One actually has a $20 lit on fire to smoke a cigar. AWESOME! Anything that a monkey does is funny; anything a monkey does in a tuxedo is “squirt milk out your nose” funny.
7:20: After mounting a small drive, Ben gets picked off on a poorly thrown deepball to Randle-El. Like Othello, Ben has one fatal flaw; but it’s not jealousy, instead it’s underthrowing the deep ball.
7:23: 20 minutes into the game and Madden astutely observes, “It looks like the Pittsburgh offense doesn’t have a plan.” I have watched countless games with Madden doing the color and that is easily the best thing he ever uttered. Ever.
7:26: Antwan Randle-El goes down horribly in pain in a “cover your kid’s eyes” play and they go to commercial to hear Chris Berman talk about Disney’s The Shaggy Dog. Back from the break, and no mention whatsoever.
7:34: Ben throws across the field to Hines for a 40-yard gain in surprising fashion. What a play by Ben, what poise to know where the line of scrimmage was, at least he can scramble today Amazing. Hines makes a big play coming to an UNDERTHROWN ball.
7:37: After two carries for a yard by Bettis I ponder: Does Cowher know Bettis doesn’t have to get the ball when we are near the endzone? Has Cowher bought into the media hype and begun to look for style points?
7:41: Ben dives… for the score? Yes! I don’t know if that call is right, it will be under review. The NFL does owe us one? They could call this either way and it wouldn’t be a bad call. (Editor’s note: Anyone at a Starbuck’s needs to shut their mouths and realize that even a fraction of an inch of the ball going a fraction of an inch into the white of the goalline is a touchdown.)
7:44: Surprisingly, it is 7-3 Steelers and by no means do our boys deserve to be winning this game. We have been completely outplayed.
7:46: Why did we squib it to the 20? That is the pathetic, feline play calling that makes an offense have to go 30 yards for a field goal instead of 50.
7:48: The prevent defense should be permanently changed to the “permit defense.”
7:52: In a pure gem, Madden says, “They got it discombobbled.”
7:53: Horrible game management and a 54-yard attempt goes wide right by Seattle and the Steelers get a gift. Brown’s attempt would have been good from 65.
8:14: How were the Rolling Stones ever popular? The music is decent, but they are the ultimate fruitcakes. I pray that Mick Jagger would act his age and wear some baggy pants and realize he has floppy arm flab. Robin laid out two doozies here:
1. “As stupid as he looks, you can’t stop looking at Mick Jagger.”
2. “It sounds like he has a speech impediment.”
Keith Richards looks like a corpse, he has to be cryogenically frozen between shows. Is Jagger wearing a belly shirt? How was this cool at anytime? His shirt and belt are sparkly. Yet I have never dreamed about as many women as he has slept with. Robin is talking to her grandfather and he vehemently argues, “He wouldn’t make a patch on Stevie Ray Vaughn’s ass.”
8:21; Puppy Bowl II is way better than the Rolling Stones. To make my dog proud of one of his own, a beagle, tackled a butt-pussy poodle. The beagle also sat on the sideline and bit his ass, which is much more like my dog. The digital cable description: “Puppies cavort on a play area that looks like a football stadium in the second annual event that offers an alternative to the Super Bowl. (2006). (pets). 180 min. 180 minutes!
8:33: WILLIE PARKER TO THE HOUSE!!! 75 yards. That’s the only reason he should play. Wow, how fast can you get? The Bus might have run for 15 there. I actually got on my knees during that play and bowed my head as if was praying to the east.
8:39: Jeremy Stevens drops another big play. That makes two. It didn’t bother me what he said, but maybe it angered the football gods.
8:41: Missed field goal from 50! Booshaka! (Editor’s note: Alright, maybe I was jumping the gun a bit in predicting a loss after a quarter.)
8:43: Best commercial not featuring a monkey: Fabio shampoo for Nationwide Investments. It was so Zoolanderish. “Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.”
8:44: Hines with a shoe-string grab, if he gets a TD, call him MVP. (Editor’s note: Was this an impressive call or did everybody see this as clearly as I did?)
8:46: Incomplete to Randle-El. I’m glad they reported on his possible injury instead talking about the shaggy dog.
8:47: Ben stands in and takes the hit and Hines turns a 6-yarder into 15 yards by breaking and splitting a tackle.
8:52: Ben makes a horrible throw and the one thing that couldn’t happen, happened. Ben needs to wake up and put something on the ball. It was an ugly wobbler. We traded a fourth-down field goal into a Seattle possession inside our 20.
8:53: 3rd and 6 and Stevens for a touchdown making it at least a 10-point swing. 14-10. We must get momentum back on this drive; a score is a necessity.
8:56: I was on top of the world and now… “Welcome to Loserville, population me.”
9:00: Three 3 yard runs, I think it is safe to say that Cowher has no confidence in Ben now. Maybe there is a reason young quarterbacks don’t win the Super Bowl. However, the Steelers need to do it with the horse that brought them here. Are you listening Bill? Three and out was the last thing we needed, if we don’t stop them, the game is theirs. I feel completely outcoached; we are winning despite Bill Cowher. (Editor’s note: I still believe this.)
9:03 Stevens drops another easy one; if he hadn’t caught the touchdown, he might go down as one the greatest goats of all time.
9:08: Ben scrambles and lays a smack on Tatupu. Shutup Madden! Ben got us yards taking, no, I mean delivering a hit. It’s the SUPER BOWL, EA Sports should change the game’s name to “Inept Announcer Football 2006.”
9:10: Kolber 5, Tafoya 1. Suzy Kolber with another report, she is putting Michele Tafoya to shame on the Steelers sideline.
9:13: Remember Joey Porter?
9:20: Haggans gets held, he’s the only linebacker to make a play today.
9:23: Ike finally catches one for a pick! Who was Hasselbeck throwing to? This guy should have two incompletions so far and he throws that ball directly to Taylor. “Gummi bears, bouncing here and there and everywhere.”
9:28 TOUCHDOWN to MVP Hines Ward. Randle-El throws a better ball than Ben threw all day on a trickeration. Might I mention off-balance. Wow, that is just beautiful. I;m ready to tear up.
9:33: Fumble Hasselbeck. I doubt we win this review. Although Foote did not cause Hasselbeck to go down, but he did make contact and I think that counts. Yep.
9:38 Towsend with great coverage. This guy has been absolutely awesome tonight. We need to bring him back this offseason.
9:39 Townsend with the sack and Robin comments on the fans. Robin: “Get off your f***in asses and get on your feet. At Pitt games we never sat down against east louisianna.” I love her.
9:42: Can we not be too conservative please.
9:43: Bus loses 2.
9:45; 3rd and 6, I am speechless, I am without speech. Ben goes playaction shuffle pass to Randle-El and he scurries for a first down. It might just be Pittsburgh’s night.
9:47: If we win, how much does anyone want to bet that Vince is crying?
9:48: Glum texts me, “They r gona do it!”; my reply: “Don’t say it yet dude.”
9:50: They did it again! Playaction bootleg to Ben for the first down and Cowher even signals first down. Wow, we have it.
9:59: The Vote is in for MVP on NFL.com and it goes to my man crush Hines Ward.
10:02: Victory!!! We have escaped the seventies!!!
10:03: I call my Dad and scream, “I got my first, you got five, we got a Super Bowl.” He and my Mum are at a friend’s house and I cannot hear him at all. I get passed around on the phone and eventually a family friend, Mr. Gieder, who is one those hardcore old school Steeler fans, tells me to, “Go outside and tell Denver all about it!”
10:06-10:19: I call dibs on this term:
The “all circuits are busy phenomenon”: an event so big just happened that 1/10
cell phone calls get through.
The “all circuits are busy phenomenon” has happened to me four times in my life: after the last three Steelers games and 9/11.
10:21 I finally get Vince:
Vince: I’m going to Oakland!
Me: You better drink my share and take pictures!
Vince: (something like) I am perplexed by this euphoria, we emerge as victors in
the Super Bowl.
Me: You go enjoy it.
Monday afternoon:
I am not totally sure how I taught classes for 4 ½ hours today, I put on a super bowl worthy performance today. To be honest, I was on my game, parents should call and thank me for this effort. I must say, as I sported my Hines “XL MVP” Ward jersey, I rubbed it in only when pushed to. However, my colleagues were fantastico; they actually sought me out to congratulate me. My natural high from the victory should keep me fueled until draft day or at least until conference tournament week.
Looking back at the game, comprehending the celebration, and listening to Seahawks fans whine, I arrive at three points:
1. The Steelers and specifically Ben Roethlisberger played their worst game since the Indianapolis loss. Ben threw more interceptions in the Super Bowl than he did in the other three playoff games; and it wasn’t so much that he threw them, but how he threw it. For the most part, his throws were wobbly and inaccurate, but he is the youngest quarterback to win a Super Bowl. Emphasis on WIN. The defense was actually pretty mediocre too; Hasselbeck and Alexander both had solid games. The only thing I can say is: we kinda lucked out. Although, that we won pretty comfortably is a “huge neon lights sign” that we were an incredible team and the best in the NFL. If the Steelers played like they did in any other playoff game the Seahawks succumb to unrelenting attack of the AFC playoffs and the Steelers win by three touchdowns.
2. The Seahawks did not get cheated out of a win. At best they didn’t get the breaks that would have kept it interesting. To be honest, Seattle wasted the biggest break of all: the Steelers playing poorly. I already addressed the Big Ben touchdown and the offensive pass interference call, but now, the holding call that took back a gain to the one. When is a headlock not holding? So, here is my best advice to Seahawks fans: Stop whining, you might not have made the playoffs in the AFC, and you get less rain per year than Pittsburgh does.
3. I am appalled by the fans who rioted. I cannot comprehend why supposed fans wouldn’t be satisfied by the thrill of a Super Bowl victory. What is the point of rolling over a car? Why set fires? Why would anyone attack a cop? Why would anyone be getting in a fight after a Super Bowl win? As far as I’m concerned any of these people should have their Steelers fanship revoked. The monkeys from Super Bowl commercials act better. Also, alcohol is not an excuse for this garbage; so seriously grow up and learn how to handle your liquor.
On a better note, the STEELERS WON THE SUPER BOWL! This is my best moment as a sports fan of all time and really, I wouldn’t trade the Super Bowl win for a night with Angelina Jolie. There have been times that I felt I had better chances with Angelina than the Steelers did of winning a Super Bowl. Peace.