2-05-06
Jon Sobolewski
Sobeball.com
From the archives...
Gameday is upon us and I have officially overdosed on Super Bowl coverage and it is only Sunday morning. Normally I lavish in my team getting the majority of coverage on ESPN, but the Joey Porter-Jeremy Stevens is getting more coverage than if Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston got in a cat-fight, happened to fall into a fountain, and showed utter disregard for their clothing. To stick with the celebrity analogies, after this week of over-coverage I feel like Paris Hilton after a night out partying (you know, how she must on any random Wednesday morning). Just like her, my eyes are Vince-Vaughned underneath (you know the dark circles that most people get from not sleeping or the ones celebrities get from doing too much coke with Lindsay Lohan), unidentified substances are in my hair, and I cuddle up in the fetal position because I feel violated.
I think we all know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit now, we’re aware of the Seahawks struggling against the Cowboys’ 3-4, we understand that the media was hunting for a story with Joey Porter where there really wasn’t one, and did I mention people in China without televisions know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. And yes, there were thousands and thousands more Steelers fans than Seahawks fans despite what Scott Van Pelt tried to make you think on Sportscenter Saturday night. Also, did anyone notice that Mark Schlereth, the same former Bronco who was nicknamed Stink and urinated on himself during games, cannot give the Steelers credit since they beat Indianapolis.
With that behind us, let us begin predicting the game that 222 countries can see and ranks as nine of the top 16 television programs of all time. But did you know the third highest ranking television sports broadcast of all time was the… (keep reading and you’ll find out) We all know the Super Bowl is much more than a game and shenanigans galore will devour our attention. So here we go…
The reason why the NFL will prove they don’t get it: Just because Janet Jackson whipped out her saggy booby which was covered anyway doesn’t mean the NFL needed to cater to the music crowd over 55. The Rolling Stones and Stevie Wonder? Fine, I’ll give them the Rolling Stones, but Detroit, a great music-producing city and we get Stevie Wonder? Throw people under 30 a frickin’ bone and give us Eminem even if he lost all of his rage and is no longer worth the $12.99 at Best Buy. Or wait, give us some actual Motown, not Stevie Wonder; it couldn’t hurt. Even the Super Bowl proves the ugly conservative “call ourselves christians, but be totally intolerant of everyone” direction our country is heading.
The best $2.5 million 30-second advertisement will be: something with a monkey because monkeys are always funny.
The most promoted ABC show of the night: Grey’s Anatomy and apparently it is a good show, but since it goes “Code Black” tonight (whatever that means) ABC will pump it to the max. For any of my racist readers, insert black-medical joke here, and move out of the stone age into my next prediction. Is anyone else still laughing that ABC made Keith Jackson promote that stupid Heather Graham show that lasted one episode. A pilot featuring a serious drama with Tara Reid as a heart surgeon and Oprah as a stripper would have a better chance.
The third highest rated sports program: The 1994 winter Olympics women’s figure skating finals. That’s right, Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding, we are all going to hell.
The biggest reason we will leave the game dumber: John Madden is broadcasting it. Is there any commentator worse than him? And Steeler fans, don’t think he won’t be rooting for the Seahawks. As the former Raider coach, don’t think for a second that he doesn’t still hate the Steelers. Frankly, not that I respect him at all, but I would respect Madden less if he did not hate the Steelers. Madden, is totally unaware of anything that Al Michaels says and he cannot comprehend the NFL in the year 2006. Do any of the networks really believe that people are tuning into Monday Night Football for John Madden or to any network for any broadcaster for that matter? So, NFL, do us all a favor and don’t let Madden catch on with anybody next season when MNF moves to ESPN.
Most underreported fact of Super Bowl XL: No Steelers on the active roster have played in the Super Bowl. Willie Williams, who is on the practice squad, played on the previous Steelers Super Bowl squad, but no active Steeler has been to the Super Bowl. Does this matter? No, but it sure is interesting.
As for the game: Alright, I’ve stalled long enough, I need to make my game predictions.
Seahawks run offense against the Steelers run defense: Much of the talk this week has been about how soft Shaun Alexander is, and, well, it’s true. Alexander loves to take things outside and cutback and that is all well and good, but this guy should be a bigger bruiser. When the Steelers struggle stopping running backs, it is normally because they can break a few tackles and get that extra yard. Plus, does any safety play the run better than Polamalu? Plus, Ditka says it will be very difficult for Alexander to get extra yards. Advantage: Steelers
Seahawks pass offense against the Steelers pass defense: This all rests on the pass rush and whether the Seahawks line is as good as advertised. Matt Hasselbeck really has four reliable passing options and if he has time, he will find them, but will he have time? The Steelers have greatly improved their secondary, but just because Ike Taylor figured out that he shouldn’t let the receiver catch the ball doesn’t mean it is great. Advantage: Push
Steelers run offense against the Seahawks run defense: The Seahawks will win this battle if they want to, but they may have to sacrifice more than they want to. The Steelers have not run the ball well the entire playoffs, so don’t expect them to do it here. Advantage: Seahawks
Steelers pass offense against the Seahawks pass defense: There is no reason to believe Big Ben will stop here especially since the Seahawks’ secondary does not compare to Denver’s, nor is it as good as Indy’s. Seattle is going to have to pick their poison against the Steelers; shut down the run or let Ben pick you apart. I say they stop the run and Ben puts on a show. Advantage: Steelers
Who wins? I firmly believe the Steelers have more talent across the board and I’m still not convinced that the Seahawks have beaten anybody this year (the Panthers with their fourth string running back don’t count). Plus, Vince believes the Seahawks will win and Vince is 0-3 picking Steelers playoff games and was 1-3 picking the BCS games. 2006 is not the year of the Vince. Pick: Steelers, 27-17, Roethlisberger as MVP.