Sobeball.com

10-23-08

Jon Sobolewski

Sobeball.com

Colt McCoy and Tim Tebow would meet in a playoff championship.(AP)

What do you call it when a guy in diapers and some douchebag who names his trees walk into a bar? You don’t know? Seriously? Well then continue reading ahead and purify yourself in the waters of Lake Sobetanka. If heavenly words jibble your gibble, then your in for a treat from the wordsmith’s café.

Ok, fine, the answer is Joe Paterno and Pete Carroll before the national title game and Paterno doesn’t know how he ended up there and Carroll is only there because he still thinks Will Ferrell is funny. Sadly, another college season will come and go and with this passage will come the annual rite of a Big Ten club to get mauled in a BCS game. I’m not really interested in who would play in the game if it happened today, because I know that ultimately USC will win it (unless they choke against the rest of their unranked conference, which is for some ungodly reason, fairly possible). I’m troubled by all this, but I’m kind of resigned to it because I have a sinking suspicion that Bobby Knight has been counseling college football fans for years. “Well, if you’re gonna get raped, you might as well lay back and enjoy it.”

By the way, I still love Bobby Knight, but how great do you think he would have been if he had the buddy that all of us have that kind of surprises you every once in a while by being the moral conscience and says “dude” when socially necessary.

So I’m trying to enjoy college football still and I think it is time for a rankings column, but I’m only doing it under the following circumstances. I get to rank teams in order of how good they are, not on where they started the season ranked and because I feel like I have to move them up past a team that just lost, even though they have the same amount of losses and lost to an unranked and lousy Oregon St. team (Hey seriously, F* you USC fans, you guys never play anybody, and your NFL quarterbacks suck).

So here goes my top 10 + mandatory crappy conferences and more.

172. Worst of the BCS Leagues: Washington State

There has never been a major college team worse the Cougars. Never. They are worse than anything Sarah Silverman does.

146. Sun Belt Champ: Troy Trojans

They have the best reservoir tip of all the Sun Belt teams.

138. PSAC West Champs: California (PA)

Cal U! Your first choice and the home of the Disgruntled D-1 All Stars.

137. Best School Named California: California (CA)

Barely, just barely, but the PSAC is definitely stronger than the Pac 10.

94. Scariest of the I-AA Schools: Appalachian St.

They lost 41-13 to LSU, so again we see how crappy the Big Ten is with the Michigan loss last year, but with quarterback Armanti Edwards, the Tim Tebow of I-AA, they probably would finish fourth in the Big Ten and win the ACC. Ok, not really, but they could win the MAC.

90. Best 1-AA School: James Madison

Even with Duke’s improvement, they still lost 31-7 to the Blue Devils. However, they did go out and beat Appalachian St 35-32, so despite losing to Duke, the Dukes aren’t too shabby.

84. Pac Ten Number Two: Wisconsin

The Badgers aren’t in the Pac 10, but you know you’d pick them to beat Arizona.

42. Last Chance to Beat Them: Miami

The U is on the verge.

39. MAC Champs: Ball State

Hey, yeah, awesome, nice story, woo-hoo, go David Letterman and stuff. They are in the MAC, would you take them to beat South Carolina? Ole Miss? Tennessee? So maybe they are number 10 in the SEC?

31. Conference USA Champs: Tulsa

In his first year as a starter, David Johnson has 31 touchdown passes in seven games. Thirty-one in seven games! I just used an exclamation point! I now must vomit! Johnson has been ridiculous in 2008 and is only getting better. Against UTEP in game seven, he tossed seven touchdown passes and racked up 434 yards on a shoulder resting 27 passes.

25-30. ACC Pu Pu Platter: BC, FSU, Georgia Tech, Maryland, Va. Tech, Wake Forest

Does it matter? This league is so deeply decent, but painfully mediocre that they will find themselves in the CW Bowl and lose to a Big East team. Yes the CW Bowl, because you might as well put it on in tape delay after 90210.

21. Mountain West Champs: TCU

They were slaughtered by Oklahoma, but they slaughtered BYU. Anybody out there feeling stupid about all those “MWC is good because they beat Pac 10 teams” columns? So why are we excited about Utah again? Because they beat Michigan? Is that what the league can wear its hat on?

17. WAC Champs: Boise St.

They don’t seem as good as two years ago, but I would love to see Ian Johnson’s cheerleader woman again, so go Broncos.

14. Big East Champs: Pittsburgh

This is not just a homer pick and I have been completely burnt by Pitt football before, but WVU’s collapse combined with the USF win will make Pitt BCS bound. When Navy knocked off Rutgers, Wake Forest, and Air Force in consecutive weeks the Midshipmen looked like they would battle the Panthers, but the game was overwhelmingly lopsided and looked like a Pac 10-SEC matchup. With the USF win, Pitt can even afford a loss the rest of the way (as long as the loss isn’t to WVU) and still win the league.

11. Good for them Champs: Oklahoma St.

It won’t last, but good for them.

10. Got OSU/PSU @ Home? Big Ten Champs: LSU

It is hard to get over what Florida did to them, but with their defensive line, the defending national champs have to be a top 10 team. Health, consistency, and tackling referees could help LSU beat just about anyone. They need to settle in on a quarterback soon though and I think Jarrett Lee is the one.

9. When Lord When Champs: Texas Tech

The talent level is finally climbing in Lubbock, but when Lord when, when’s gonn’ be there time? With Kansas, Texas, Oklahoma St,, and Oklahoma they need to pull three out of four to prove to me they are a BCS team, because beating the Jayhawks and the Pokes proves nothing new at this point.

8. Play Nobody Champs: Penn St.

Why does Penn St. rarely leave Happy Valley to play games? Because it is hard for most of their players to get permission from their parole officers to leave the state. Penn St. is a pretty good football team, but they got fat off of beating some bad teams and have not proven anything yet. This ranking is almost too high for them, considering that Texas Tech would probably beat them.

7. Big Ten Champs: Ohio St.

Beanie Wells and Terelle Pryor make Ohio St. a completely different team than the one that had to go to USC in September. That game started even and Ohio St. just fell apart after that. With Wells and a starting and comfortable Pryor the ballgame is completely different. That said, Ohio St. is nothing special this year, but if Wells sticks around, they will have a chance to beat the spread in next year’s BCS Title Game.

6. Pac 10 Champs: USC

The Trojans are freakishly talented, but Pete Carroll is proving why he could not succeed in the NFL; he can’t coach. Talent will win out most nights, but losing as many bad games as USC does falls completely on Carroll. The Trojans have played in six consecutive BCS games, but in four of them they played Big Ten teams because of the ridiculous Rose Bowl matchup rules. Texas beat them in the greatest college football game I have ever seen and the year before they were the best team in the land after slaughtering Oklahoma. So, aside from Oklahoma (which is a great win), the Pac-is-Wac 10, and the Big Ten; who has USC beat that really says wow? Like Ohio St., the Trojans get a free pass to the title game every year and they keep blowing it.

5. Beat Themselves Champs: Georgia

Georgia is really good. I think. Could the Bulldogs come out and not shoot themselves in the foot for once? AJ Green is an incredible wideout and it is too bad that Matthew Stafford’s measureables will take him to the NFL this spring. Georgia at five could be a reach, but they also could be too low when looking back one month from now and they might be staring down a rematch with Alabama in the SEC Championship.

4. SEC Runner-Up: Alabama

The last two weeks don’t scream love me, but then again, the SEC is so deep that outside of Arkansas nobody gets blown out. No Washington schools or Big Ten teams are in the league so close scores shouldn’t knock a team. Still, Alabama might be a year away and Les Miles should still be sending Nick Saban thank you notes for his national title last season. However, Alabama winning the national title wouldn’t be a shocker and some of their key freshman might just be good enough by January.

3. Big XII Runner-up: Oklahoma

There still has to be a sinking feeling that OU is the best team in the land, but blew their chance. There should rightfully be an outpouring of venom if OU slips into the title game ahead of the Longhorns if Texas only loses once.

2. SEC Champs: Florida

Urban Meyer is the Bill Bellicheck of college football. Meyer has changed football more than anyone in my lifetime. From his offense to his special teams schemes, Meyer is an innovator on a grand scale, in a sport in which all new ideas seem to have disappeared. The Gators are clicking now and the Ole Miss loss appears to be a total fluke, so the Arrogant One might have the best team in the land. Jevan Snead had the revenge factor in the Gator’s loss and would have probably beat Texas too.

1. Big XII Champs: Texas

If Texas runs the gauntlet, what can you say. Does anyone else think JD McCoy on Friday Night Lights might be partially based on Colt McCoy? The Longhorns are the nation’s best right now, even if they can’t run the ball. The crown is the Longhorns for the taking.